Boris Johnson Claims Moon Water for London

Following reports that water has been found on the Moon, London Mayor Boris Johnson has formulated a plan to collect the precious resource to supplement London’s supply.

The Mayor has made some alterations to his London Water Strategy, developed in recent weeks in association with Thames Water and the Environment Agency. Now, instead of pledging measures to make London more water efficient, Mr. Johnson intends to send ‘giant space tankers’ to the Moon to ‘suck up’ the water and bring it back to London, where it will be filtered and distributed to households across the capital.

UK Tops ‘Stella League’ for Tenth Year Running

The UK has once again come top in the ‘Stella League’ according to the European Union, beating all other countries for the tenth year running. The ‘Stella’ is the EU’s measurement for determining a nation’s happiness and prosperity, based on the price of a can of Stella in a corner shop.

Staggeringly Pointless Survey Achieves Wildly Predictable Results

A mere 12% of people in Britain feel happier with their lives since the recession began, according to the findings of a staggeringly pointless new survey, released yesterday.

The ICM poll, commissioned to promote some cause, stunt, product or another somehow felt that it came close to justify it own existence by telling everybody that just over one in 10 of those questioned felt happier in the current economic climate, with 88% feeling either less happy or the same.

Spiders Admit They Are Aliens

Animals from the class Arachnida, otherwise known as spiders, today admitted they are monsters from another planet sent to Earth with a dark, unfathomable purpose and access to technology ‘way beyond human imagining’.

The spiders, speaking at a press conference as journalists huddled around a doorway, explained that their home was a distant star where a master race of ultra-Arachnida had built a civilization far more advanced than that of human kind. This race has been sending ‘spidernauts’ to other inhabited planets ‘for millions of years’, explained spokes-spider Uioaoneshvwi as he gazed coldly at the amassed reporters through emotionless black eyes.

Silvio Berlusconi, Barack Obama Involved in Public Wrestling Match

Italian Prime Minister and US President Barack Obama became embroiled in an astonishing public wrestling match at the G20 summit in Pittsburgh last week, it has emerged. The altercation, which resulted in the Italian premier needing treatment for a number of minor wounds, began after a heated row between the two, and had initially thought to have been successfully covered up by those present at the time – until footage of the fracas taken on a camera phone surfaced last night.

Prime Minister Found Drunk, Naked on Brighton Sea-Front

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown has shocked onlookers by being found drunk and naked this morning on a bench on Brighton sea-front ahead of his keynote speech at the Labour Party Conference.

Brown, 58, who sources say spent last night “unwinding from the stresses of another long day at the conference by hitting the town with Alistair Darling and Peter Mandelson” was found on a bench facing Brighton sea-front by Mrs. Trudy Ponsonby, 78 at approximately 7 o’clock this morning.

Immigration Clampdown Sees Arrests Made Over 1975 Paddington Bear Case

The UK’s Immigration service today confirmed that it is to investigate a number of old asylum-seeker and illegal immigrant cases which had previously gone inexplicably undetected or ignored, starting with the case of a Peruvian bear which is thought to have been cruelly held captive at a West London address. Police have confirmed that a Mr. and Mrs. Brown have been detained with regard to the disappearance in 1975 of a bear at Paddington station, London, amidst rumours that it had entered the country from Peru on a lifeboat without the correct paperwork, and with only a note around its neck saying ‘Please look after this Bear. Thank you.’

Google Confirms Hack After User Complaints

Internet search provider Google today released details of its worst hacking case to date, following a number of complaints from users who found their search terms cleverly manipulated by substituting alternative letters and terms to lead them up the wrong path.