Mafia family annoyed that Twitter recruitment effort not being taken seriously

Head of renowned Chicago mafia family Vincenzo Corliane, has expressed his “deep and sincere regret” at the apparent lack of interest in his family’s campaign to recruit a new member to their mob via social networking platform Twitter. The Corlianes grew in infamy by striking terror into the hearts of Chicago’s citizens for over three generations, but have had mixed fortunes in their attempts to use social media.

“It was all a joke,” admits Nick Griffin

British National Party Chairman Nick Griffin this morning apologised for having “misled” the British public over his 35-year career as a far-right activist and politician.

Mr Griffin told stunned reporters outside his home in Wales that everything he’d done during that time — from joining the National Front as a teenager to his recent controversial appearance on Question Time — had been a wind-up, orchestrated by his mate Steve.

Tim Henman: "I used Ovaltine during my playing days"

Former British Tennis Number 1 Tim Henman has admitted using Ovaltine during his playing days. Speaking in a press conference yesterday, Henman admitted to using the warm, chocolately, coca-based drink, but denied that his use of the substance had become ‘habitual’.

“I know it’s easy to judge me, but I’m human just like anybody else,” a visibly emotional Henman said. “It was the mid 1990s – I forget the exact year…they all seem the same these days – that’s how Ovaltine messes you up.

Fans boycott premiere due to Jackson not looking 'almost dead' enough in film

Hundreds of Michael Jackson fans have boycotted the premier showing of the This is It documentary in London last night because they felt that the star was portrayed as not looking ‘almost dead enough’ in his final days.

The film, which was shown in London this morning at 4am in sync with 18 other countries depicts Jackson in the weeks before his death rehearsing for the ill-fated This is It run of shows in London, and has attracted widespread criticism from his most loyal fans.

Facebook gives users option to 'awkwardise' profiles

Social networking site Facebook has announced that for the first time it will be giving friends and family the option of ‘awkwardising’ the profiles of people they find socially uncomfortable in the presence of, yet compelled to have in their list of Facebook friends. The move, which comes hot on the heels of plans to ‘memorialise’ profiles of members who have died so as not to cause distress to users, will see a range of new features available to those who choose the ‘awkwardise’ option.

Clock change sparks most unproductive week of the…oh, what's the point?

According to new research, this will be the most unproductive week of the year, as putting the clocks back makes everybody slump into the…..oh what’s the point? You know as well as us that this is a terrible article, badly researched and poorly written and we might as well just give up now.

Sigh. Okay then. we’ll keep going. But we know that nobody will read it.

Jim Davidson 'determined' to win back title as Britain's most politically incorrect man

British entertainer Jim Davidson has vowed to regain his crown as the most politically incorrect man in the country after the baton was passed to BNP leader Nick Griffin following his appearance on the BBC’s Question Time last week.

The award is presented every 6 months, and requires judges to enter the term ‘political incorrectness’ into internet search engine Google to see how many results it comes back with.

News Round-up

THE NUMBER of people calling you up or texting you to ask if you have remembered to put your clocks back has risen by a staggering 1,000,000,000,000% in the last 24 hours, according to leading experts in the field. Dr. Malcolm Truman, who heads up a specialist division at the University of Swansea dedicated to researching the frequency of people texting you and asking if you have remembered to put your clocks back was at a loss to explain the phenomena. “It’s like there’s been some kind of national event driving people to take this action,” he said. “I just wish I knew what it was.”