Tramps, drunks everywhere celebrate creation of 32% strength beer

The nation’s public houses, bars and inner-city slums were celebrating this morning as news reached them of the launch of what is thought to be the world’s strongest beer, with an alcohol content of 32%. The beer, known as Tactical Nuclear Penguin, is brewed by Scottish brewers BrewDog, of Fraserburgh, who claim that the beer is about “pushing boundaries” and not, as many people have suggested, “profiting from getting a load of people pissed quickly.”

Tesco announces plans to sell Moon on a stick

Supermarket giant Tesco has unveiled plans to start selling the Moon on a stick in selected stores, as part of its ongoing drive to obliterate all element of consumer choice by the year 2013.

The news comes in the same week that Tesco announced that it expects to have iPhones available for purchase at reasonable rates in the run up to Christmas and comes as a blow to other leading supermarket chains, all of whom were banking on bumper Christmas results to increase profits.

British Gas decides to finally stop making up what customers owe

UK utilities giant British Gas has taken the radical decision to overhaul its billing system by announcing that it has finally decided to stop completely making up what customers owe and will instead charge them for what they have actually used.

The company said that made up or ‘estimated’ bills have been one of the biggest sources of frustration among customers because they are “hard to predict and budget for” and that long, hard experience of being shouted at, threatened and abusedby customers on the telephone has revealed that these bills often lack “any basis in reality or fact whatsoever.”

Man who looks like cabbage insists: 'It's what I'm like on the inside that counts'

A man whose head bears a striking resemblence to a cabbage has hit out at a society which revels in poking fun at him and those similarly afflicted by looking like vegetables. Theo Maximus, 27, from Bromley, Kent, was born with a rare condition which makes him strongly resemble a cabbage, yet insists that this solitary characteristc should not be the one to define him.

Facebook to introduce 'armed response' button

Following Bebo’s introduction of a “help” button, which puts users in touch with a police helpline, social networking site Facebook has today announced plans for a button which will summon a police Armed Response Unit to any user’s address.

The move, described by critics as “a bit much”, aims to curb the growing number of internet abuse cases.

Irish bomb Paris after FIFA refuse replay

Heavy bombing raids by the Irish Air Corps caused dozens of civilian casualties and widespread collateral damage in Paris last night, after negotiations between France and Ireland finally broke down in the wake of the Thierry Henry handball incident.

Government will do as they’re told, says Queen

The Queen has defended criticism of her official speech at the State Opening of Parliament, insisting that the policies announced within had better be carried out, regardless of who wins the next general election, or there will be trouble.

Her Majesty was responding to allegations from the Conservatives and Liberal Democrats that the speech, delivered yesterday in the House of Lords, was little more a thinly-veiled pre-election manifesto for the Labour Party.

Slough fights off Paris, Tokyo to take top food award

Residents of the town of Slough in Berkshire are celebrating this morning after it was announced that it had leapt ahead of exotic locales such as Paris and Tokyo as the global location with the most desirable cuisine.

The award, presented at a star-studded ceremony at Butlins last night, is said to take into account the number of Michelin three-star restaurants in each location, as well as other factors, such as a ‘significant’ reduction in the number of mice, rats and other vermin found in kitchens.