The Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, has announced that he ‘hates New Year’ and that he is ‘glad’ that nobody invited him to a party this year, because he ‘doesn’t want to go to one anyway’.
Speaking this afternoon at a hastily assembled news conference at Downing Street, the Prime Minister confirmed that he would not be attending any New Year celebrations this year, on the basis that they were all ‘rubbish’.
The entire nation has vowed never to so much as go near any turkey ever again according to reports. The sudden move follows three days of sustained binge eating of the bird in a variety of different ways over the festive period, and comes in the wake of a sustained bout of stomach cramps, pains and aches brought about by stuffing it into people’s every orifice as quickly as humanly possible.
The entire population of the UK was said last night to be preparing to use the recent cold snap as an excuse for not having bought enough Christmas presents for friends and family. Temperatures have plummeted to as low as -10C in parts of the country, with between 5cm and 10cm of snow predicted to fall in eastern Scotland over the next few days, causing havoc on the roads, and disrupting many Christmas deliveries in the process.
A Royal Mail statement assured customers that they are doing “everything possible” to ensure that deliveries arrive on time, but added that they would “like to take issue with the number of people who are already trying to blame us for their own laziness when it’s clear that they simply can’t be arsed getting up off the sofa and buying gifts.”
The Queen will deliver this year’s Christmas message via the medium of interpretive dance, sources at Buckingham Palace confirmed last night. The Royal Christmas message to the Commonwealth is a tradition first established in 1932 with a radio broadcast by King George V on the BBC Empire Service. Today, the message is broadcast all over the world via television, radio, satellite and the internet, and it is thought that the Royal family are keen to explore new ways of ensuring that the message is relevant to its ever-changing audience.
The 2009 Christmas no.1 is, for the firsttime, a song that nobody even likes, it has been revealed. Rage Against the Machine’s Killing in the Name was a song that relatively few people purchased upon the first release of the single during November 1992, and few eyebrows were raised when it reached a high point of 25 – a position that in no small way reflected the ambivalence of the record-buying public toward the band.
However, a spokesperson for Rage Against the Machine, insisted that the band’s festive top spot should in no way be devalued by the recent media campaign. Speaking at the launch of a new Facebook group to make sure their 1999 album The Battle of Los Angeles is top of the first album chart of 2010, he said:
Despite a blaze of publicity and a huge clamour to receive an ‘invite’ enabling users to make use of the application, it emerged last night that nobody is really sure what Google Wave is or what it does.
Google Wave was launched earlier this year, with Google insiders claiming that it was “what e-mail might look like if it were launched today.”
Manchester United midfielder Ryan Giggs has revealed that his incredible winning run which has seen him pick up prize after prize during 2009 continued yesterday after he won £20 on a National Lottery ‘Merry Millions’ scratchcard.
Giggs, 36, has enjoyed a stellar year, which caps more than 20 years playing football the highest level. During the calendar year he has managed to win the Premier League, Carling Cup, PFA Player of the Year as well as the BBC’s Sports Personality of the Year.
A kid who triumphed by winning a karaoke competition this weekend is expected to demonstrate his gratitude by openly urinating into the dying embers of one of the great Christmas traditions.
This year’s Christmas no.1 is expected to go to Joe McElderry, 18, who ‘won’ last night’s televised popularity contest. He now looks set to follow in the footsteps of all the other stars before him who were able to learn the words to other people’s songs then belt them out in barely passable fashion.