A nostalgic and visibly emotional Great Britain was last night coming to terms with the sudden and devastating departure of long time partner, the recession.
Friends and relatives spent the night comforting the British Isles as she wept openly into a collection of snotty hankies, stuffed her face with chocolates and watched Bridget Jones’s Diary on DVD.
After countless months of speculation, intrigue and rumour, Apple will finally unveil their latest product, the iThingummywhatsit, laying to rest once and for all the conjecture around whatever it is they reckon it is supposed to do.
Apple’s latest announcement had been rumoured to have been monikered the ‘iSlate’ or ‘iTablet’ although Apple CEO Steve Jobs let the cat out of the bag when he confirmed that controversial new name was, in fact, the iThingummywhatsit.
Results from a new national survey, published this morning, claim that more than 76% of all statistics and facts in public surveys are simply made up. The study, carried out by the National Society for Telling Truth in Surveys (NSTTS) also claims that public relations companies use surveys as a cheap gimmick to raise the profile of their cause.
NSTTS spokesperson The Great Stupendo said: “It’s ridiculous, frankly. We want much more transparency from the PR industry as to how they source their data for surveys and releases.”
Severely obese patients looking for specialist surgery to reduce the size of their stomachs will be denied access to pies and cakes under radical new NHS guidelines, proposed yesterday.
The Royal College of Surgeons fears patients face the risk of having to lose weight through the non-consumption of pastries, kebabs and cheesecakes before the NHS in some parts of the country will agree to reduce the size of their stomachs.
Prime Minister Gordon Brown has insisted that he would be “happy” to give evidence to the Iraq inquiry “as long as he isn’t doing anything.”
The Prime Minister is coming under increasing pressure to speak at the hearings before this year’s General Election, but has emphasised that because he is extremely popular, has loads of friends and has many big many and important things he has to do, it is becoming extremely difficult to find the time.
Everyone is finally completely and utterly sick of British comedian Ricky Gervais, it was reported yesterday.
The surprise findings, pulled together after Gervais hosted the Golden Globe Awards on Sunday night concluded that although ‘Gervais used to be pretty funny’ albeit in ‘small doses’ his present level of over-exposure makes his seem virtually ‘omniescent’.
Conservative leader David Cameron has pledged free ice-cream for everyone that votes for him as his latest election promise aimed at gaining the trust of the British voting public.
Speaking in an editorial in this weekend’s Mail on Sunday, Cameron enthused: “Hey, listen guys – does anyone like ice-cream? I thought so. But do you know what’s even better than a Cornetto or Solero?
Pope Benedict XVI has met with the woman who knocked him to the floor in St Peter’s Basilica on Christmas Eve for the first time and warned her: “You’d better run…you’d better hide. Because I’m coming for you, bitch.”
The Vatican said the pontiff had “a brief private meeting” with Susanna Maiolo where she had “pleaded for mercy.” Aides to the Pope have recounted hearing Maiolo “begging for her life” and “wailing” while the Pope “just laughed manically like a nutter.”