New book portrays Gordon Brown as sulky teenager

Gordon Brown has denied claims made in a controversial book in which it has been suggested that he shouted at former Prime Minister Tony Blair, stamped his feet and fumed: “I HATE YOU, TONY. I WISH I’D NEVER BEEN BORN.”

The row reportedly took place in 2006, culminating in Mr Brown locking himself in his room and playing his favourite Radiohead album on loop at full volume, refusing all invitations to “come downstairs and have some tea.”

Faith schools to teach that Goldilocks and Three Bears were gay – report

Children’s Secretary Ed Balls has denied that an opt-out in the way faith schools can teach a new curriculum for sex education will mean alterations to classic children’s stories.

The denial comes amidst fears that the classic tale of Goldilocks and the Three Bears will be re-told in faith schools with a strong anti-gay message, including the line: “Who’s been sleeping in OUR bed?” and it is thought by many that others will follow suit.

Interior designers gatecrash Facebook party, make house look nice

Police are investigating after up to 50 youngsters who meticulously cleaned, decorated and performed minor structural improvements to a house during a party which had been advertised on Facebook.

Stephanie Jones, 17, had organised a gathering of friends at her home in Reading, Berkshire, on Friday while her parents attended a wedding.

But details of the event were placed on the social networking site and the house was overrun by gatecrashers with a penchant for interior design.

Downing Street staff accuse PM of stealing lunch money

Prime Minister Gordon Brown was involved in further controversy last night after it emerged that he has been stealing lunch money from Downing Street staff after employing more of his bully-boy tactics.

Mr Brown has denied the weekend’s accusations that he pushed, shoved and grabbed aides by the lapels and that he was the subject of an internal investigation on alleged agressive behaviour. New allegations have insisted, however, that the Prime Minister “sneaked up” on government workers and “demanded” they handed over their lunch money “or else”.

"Vote for me! I'm normal!" screams David Cameron

Conservative leader David Cameron has appeared on national television to tell the nation how they should vote for him owing to the fact that he’s so earth-shatteringly normal. “Vote for me!” he screamed at the culmination of yesterday’s interview on GMTV. “I’m normal!”

“Did I mention that I’ve got a family?” asked Cameron, during the interview. “Well I do. Some of the people watching this programme probably have families. See? We’re not so different after all, are we? Look how normal I am!”

Liam Gallagher injured in fight with own reflection

Former Oasis front man Liam Gallagher has been taken to hospital after sustaining multiple facial injuries in a fight with his own reflection, it has been reported.

The news follows Gallagher’s controversial appearance at the Brit Awards earlier this week when he hurled an award into the crowd, which has led many to question the singer’s emotional stability.

Ashley Cole to give up being hateful little chav for Lent

Chelsea and England footballer Ashley Cole has promised to give up being a hateful little chav for Lent, according to a statement on the FA’s website. The news follows mounting media speculation that Cole made the decision to change his lifestyle because of a misunderstanding of the origins of Ash Wednesday.

“Ashley thought Ash Wednesday meant that everyone called Ash – or Ashley – had to give up something dear to them,” revealed a source. “In his case, he thought he had to give up being a loathsome gobshite and the kind of idiot that sends semi-naked pictures of himself to Page 3 girls. He’s going to be very angry when it is explained to him that Ash Wednesday is more about religious abstinence than anything, and that he’s got the wrong end of the stick.”

£56 million lottery winners vow to blow the lot on hookers and drugs

The winners of Britain’s biggest ever lottery prize have pledged to blow the lot in a two-week cocaine-fuelled binge in Las Vegas, it was reported yesterday.

Nigel Page and his partner Justine Laycock, who live near Cirencester, Gloucestershire, told of their plans after deciding to go public about their mammoth £56m win, with both promising to “get completely muntered” before embarking upon a frenzy of drugs, gambling and prostitutes.