Wayne Rooney was last night undergoing medical tests to ascertain the seriousness of an injury that is threatening to put an end to civilisation as we know it.
The Premier League’s leading scorer and leading choice for footballer of the year had to be helped from the pitch with suspected ankle ligament damage after Manchester United’s 2-1 defeat in the first leg of their Champions League quarter-final against Bayern Munich last night, seemingly unaware of the sense of impending doom the injury had created.
Mar 31 2010 | Posted in
Sport |
Read More »
Britain’s biggest intelligence agency, GCHQ has taken the unusual step of denying all claims about everything, whilst suspiciously asking what you heard and who told you.
GCHQ director Iain Lobban told the press: “We aren’t doing anything. Honestly. And even if we were, you wouldn’t be able to prove it. Go on, try and prove it. I bet you can’t. What have you heard, anyway? And who told you? Tell me at once.”
Mar 30 2010 | Posted in
News |
Read More »
The government has announced that it will offer a full and detailed explanation of its plans to switch over all analogue radio stations to digital by speaking to the British public in the same manner as it would to a serially retarded three year-old.
The announcement, designed to finally make the penny drop with Britons everywhere, follows the news that the Communications Committee of the House of Lords found that there was “public confusion and industry uncertainty” over the switchover, which was causing people to buy analogue radios which will be out of date in a few years’ time.
Mar 29 2010 | Posted in
Technology |
Read More »
Britain’s office workers have announced a four-day strike over the Easter Holiday period as a protest against poor tea and coffee making facilities, as well as a severe shortage of video games, alcohol and hard narcotics in the workplace.
The strike was announced last night by the National Union of Office Workers (NUOW) officials after weeks of negotiations failed to bring a positive result, and follows hot on the heels of recent strike action by British Airways cabin crews and Network Rail.
Mar 26 2010 | Posted in
News |
Read More »
Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling was said to be taking refuge inside no.11 Downing Street this afternoon after being challenged to fight by Somerset-based band The Wurzerls over the right to drink cheap cider.
Darling, who announced in yesterday’s budget that duty on cider would increase by 10% above the rate of inflation from midnight on Sunday, was said to have locked himself in a cupboard under the stairs, while the four-piece yokels hammered on his door, shouting cider-related obscenities.
Mar 25 2010 | Posted in
Music,
Politics |
Read More »
A cyber security expert has tried to induce a state of general fear and panic across the nation by highlighting all the things the terrorists can, and in all probability will deploy at the London Olympics in 2012.
Professor Peter Sommer of the London School of Economics claimed that terrorists could use a “blended attack” to simultaneously hit physical targets and cyber systems during the London Olympic Games, and achieved his objective of completely putting the sh*ts up everybody in the process.
Mar 24 2010 | Posted in
News |
Read More »
An Icelandic volcano, which had lay dormant for 200 years, has erupted near Eyjafjallajoekull, ripping a 1km-long fissure in a field of ice and spraying countless consonants and vowels up into the air in the process.
The volcano, situated in Southern Iceland, 75 miles east of Reykjavik, began to erupt just after midnight on Sunday, spitting a molten stream of largely incompatible letters a hundred metres high.
Mar 23 2010 | Posted in
World News |
Read More »
“This Bill will ensure that the basic human right of living a life free from illness or disease will be widened to all US citizens, and not just those with enough cash to perpetually line the pockets of the insurance companies,” said a Democrat spokesperson.
“It also brings The Greatest Country in the World firmly into the 21st Century and will move our citizens away from the kind of archaic situation that any right-thinking nation would have abolished more than 60 years ago.”
Mar 22 2010 | Posted in
World News |
Read More »
