English, Scottish and Welsh independence parties still unaware that England, Scotland and Wales are part of Britain

In the wake of the third and final Leaders’ Debate yesterday, representatives from the English Democrats, Scottish National Party and Plaid Cymru have labelled the debates one-sided and biased in favour of Britain, seemingly unaware that England, Scotland and Wales are all part of the British Isles.

Senior figures in all three parties have accused Prime Minister Gordon Brown, Conservative leader David Cameron and Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg of focusing all their attention on British voters, while failing to address the pressing concerns that affect England, Scotland and Wales.

Stuff happening to everyone, everywhere

Lots of stuff is happening to pretty much everyone, all over the place, according to some people who know what’s going on.

The people who know what’s happening – probably because they’ve carried out some kind of research or something – claim that the amount of stuff going on is at its highest level since “quite a bit ago” when, presumably, some other people tried to do some other things to stop all the stuff happening.

‘Bigotted’ woman vows cold, silent, deadly revenge on Prime Minister

A 65 year-old grandmother, labelled as a ‘bigot’ by Prime Minister Gordon Brown has vowed to take “cold, silent, yet deadly revenge” for the comments which left her feeling “humiliated” and “very, very upset.”

Mr. Brown made the remarks about Gillian Duffy after meeting voters on the street during a visit to Rochdale earlier today. Unaware upon stepping into his car that the microphone was still recording his conversation, the Prime Minister declared to an aide: “That was a disaster – they should never have put me with that woman. Whose idea was that? Ridiculous…she was just a bigoted woman.”

Having seen Mr. Brown’s comments, Mrs Duffy said that she was at first saddened at the thought of the nation’s leader slandering her in such a way, before relating that a cold, steely determination had grown inside of her to exact vengeance.

“Oh sure, I may look like a befuddled old lady,” said Mrs Duffy, as she retreated into the shadows, wearing a thin, determined grin, “but inside this seemingly vacuous shell beats the heart of a ruthless, cold blooded killer.

'Batsh*t mental' Hawking starts talking to everyone about aliens

Self-styled ‘Doctor of Time and Space’, Stephen Hawking was last night labelled “Batsh*t mental” after speaking openly about the fact that aliens in massive spaceships could invade the earth.

Professor Hawking was speaking on a documentary made by the Discovery Channel and said: “I imagine they [the aliens] might exist in massive ships, having used up all the resources from their home planet…Such advanced aliens would perhaps become nomads, looking to conquer and colonise whatever planets they can reach.”

UK voters still undecided over which “hung parliament” pun to use

UK voters are still undecided on the best pun to use in the event of a hung parliament, it was revealed today. Current opinion polls show that, should no party win an overall majority in the impending General Election, the British public are uncertain whether to quip “Hung parliament? They don’t look very well hung to me!” or “Hung parliament? Too right — they should hang all politicians!”

Returning holidaymakers relate horror of getting stranded in sunny, exotic, foreign climes

Passengers arriving at Heathrow airport have described their relief at finally arriving home, having found themselves marooned in a variety of sunny and exotic foreign destinations.

All airports in the UK have been closed since the end of last week, because of volcanic ash clouds from the Eyjafjallajokull volcano in Iceland, leaving hundreds of holidaymakers stranded abroad. The first planes back began arriving back into the UK last night, with passengers keen to spell out the horror of their experience.

SNP denies pledging free kilts and haggis in election manifesto

The Scottish National Party (SNP) has moved to discredit rumours that its election manifesto will be built around a promise to offer free kilts and haggis to all voters. The manifesto will be set out today by First Minister Alex Salmond, who this morning denied that the rumours were true.

“The SNP’s election manifesto will be built around the fact that a hung parliament could offer Scotland its greatest ever opportunity,” Salmond insisted.

Trains cancelled due to ‘wrong kind of volcanic ash’ on the line

Rail services the length and breadth of the country have been severely disrupted after reports of “the wrong kind of volcanic ash” covering train tracks.

Services run by Virgin Trains, East Midland Railways, and National Express have all ground to a halt after the discovery of the ash, which had originated from the Icelandic volcano Eyjafjallajökull.

As a result of the volcanic eruption, rail customers nationwide have joined those abroad who found themselves stranded in their current destination.