David Beckham, Prince William and David Cameron have arrived in Zurich to show their backing for England’s 2018 World Cup bid, and to offer as many bribes as possible to those in charge as part of a new strategy to win votes. On Thursday the executive committee of FIFA – world football’s governing body – [...]
The long-held suspicion that everybody working for the US government is an ar*ehole has been confirmed by the release of thousands of confidential US State Department documents by the whistle-blowing website WikiLeaks. The revelations contained in 250,000 diplomatic cables have threatened to start a global diplomatic crisis, despite the fact that US government officials were [...]
Each week, The Oracle Speaks receives thousands of e-mails from readers looking for an answer to their deepest, darkest, stomach-wrenching problems. Rather than go to the expense and effort of hiring a real-life agony aunt, who actually knows what she’s talking about, we’ve decided to throw these problems open to everyday members of the public [...]
The Oracle Speaks Presents HOW TO DO EVERYTHING 4. How to win the Ashes Assert the values that made England great, by inhabiting the Gabba by force, brutally slaughtering the home side, and oppressing all the Australian supporters in the ground. Distract Australian batsmen and ensure an easy run-out with each delivery by leaving an [...]
Weather forecasters have predicted that the first fall of snow this winter will be accompanied by scattered showers of complaining and moaning, followed by patchy bursts of whinging. The Met Office concluded that temperatures will drop below zero in the coming days, and that up to 10cm of snow could fall across the East Midlands, [...]
Right wing national newspaper the Daily Mail has greeted the cap on immigration announced by the government yesterday, with a resigned sigh and by asking, ‘Can’t we just ban them all?’ it has been revealed. The cap, announced by Home Secretary Teresa May, will see the number of migrant workers allowed to come to the [...]
A Church of England bishop last night apologised for saying what everybody in the country already believes, after voicing the already commonly-held view that the Royal Family was a bit of a nonsense. The Rt Rev Pete Broadbent, Bishop of Willesden, posted on Facebook that he believed Prince William and Kate Middleton’s marriage would only [...]
Irish prime minister Brian Cowen has confirmed that his government has agreed to sell Westlife and Boyzone in a bid to secure Ireland’s financial future. Cowen announced yesterday that he had requested a bailout loan from the International Monetary Fund (IMF) but also insisted that they were exploring other ways of raising money, which included [...]