Each week, The Oracle Speaks receives thousands of e-mails from readers looking for an answer to their deepest, darkest, stomach-wrenching problems. Rather than go to the expense and effort of hiring a real-life agony aunt, who actually knows what she’s talking about, we’ve decided to throw these problems open to everyday members of the public [...]
England manager Fabio Capello will give the captain’s armband to every single player in his starting lineup for tonight’s friendly against Ghana, the FA has revealed. Capello, who has received criticism over his recent handling of the John Terry affair, decided last night to reverse his original plan to allow Gareth Barry to lead out [...]
British Jedi were last night waving their hands and murmuring ‘these aren’t the census forms you’re looking for’ after the Office for National Statistics (ONS) reiterated that failure to participate in the national survey could lead to a £1,000 fine. Almost 400,000 people claimed their religion as ‘Jedi’ in the 2001 census, with the majority [...]
Chancellor George Osborne has warned oil companies that if they so much as think about stepping out of line, he’ll send them to bed without any dinner. Mr Osborne announced a surprise windfall tax on oil giants worth £2bn at the end of his statement to the Commons on Wednesday with members of the opposition [...]
The entire England squad has drawn critical acclaim after putting on the finest team performance from an England side in 10 years by insisting that reinstated captain John Terry had their full backing. Terry, 31, lost the captaincy a year ago after accusations surrounding his private life prompted manager Fabio Capello to take action. Terry’s [...]
The Oracle Speaks Presents HOW TO DO EVERYTHING 19. How to announce a successful budget Stand up in the House of Commons and clear your throat before throwing a bunch of papers up in the air and cheering: “Don’t worry guys! Everything’s on me this year!” Jazz up the tired, Chancellor’s old-fashioned red leather briefcase [...]
People all over the country are furiously planning to send all of their Christmas cards out before the end of March, after it was revealed that Royal Mail will be making its service even worse by cutting jobs. The shambolic postal service announced yesterday that it is planning to cut 1,700 jobs – including 1,000 [...]
The Daily Mail spent the entire weekend celebrating wildly after it was confirmed that they now have a good, old-fashioned war to report on, it has been revealed. Reports began filtering on Saturday that Western forces had taken action on Libya after pro-Gaddafi troops attacked the main rebel-held city of Benghazi, causing scenes of high-fiving [...]