The Oracle Speaks Presents HOW TO DO EVERYTHING 35. How to be a Sky Sports News presenter Openly flaunt the fact that you own six mobile phones by laying them out on your desk and picking each one up intermittently and shouting: ‘Thanks for the scoop!’. Refer to every tiny, mundane thing that happens to [...]
Satirical news website The Oracle Speaks has marked its second year of inducing prospective readers into a state of terminal apathy, it has been announced. The site, which is two years old this week, has achieved the notable feat of singularly failing to register in the consciousness of any of its seven readers, most of [...]
A man who completely forgot about the Bank Holiday has been telling colleagues how quiet it was in the office yesterday, it has been revealed. Sources close to 41 year-old Brian Sedgwick, an accountant from North London, claim that he has spent the entire morning asking people he works with where they were yesterday, and [...]
The small amount of blue paint which was thrown onto Nick Clegg outside an event last night has removed itself in an attempt to distance itself from the Liberal Democrat leader. Mr Clegg got the paint on his face and his jacket after it was thrown on him outside a question and answer session in [...]
Changes to Facebook’s privacy settings have been welcomed by that girl you like, it has been revealed. The girl – you know, the blonde one from accounts whose Facebook profile you kept open at your desk for an entire week – admitted that anything which made it easier for her to control who can see [...]
Colonel Gadaffi could be disguising himself on the streets of Tripoli by wearing a selection of novelty items bought at a fancy dress store, Libyan rebels have claimed. The dictator has not been seen in public for weeks, but claimed in an audio broadcast last night that he had “been out a bit in Tripoli [...]
A 34 year-old man was last night attempting to pick up the pieces of his shattered existence after it was revealed that not only did he watch the X Factor at the weekend, but he also enjoyed it. Ian Richardson, a quantity surveyor from Halifax made the shock admission after watching the programme on Saturday, [...]
Thousands of Arsenal supporters have demanded a transfer to Barcelona, after witnessing their team’s 2-0 capitulation at home to Liverpool at the weekend. The match, which saw the 10 man Gunners concede two late goals, proved too much for supporters who decided shortly after the final whistle to hand in an immediate transfer request in [...]