The Oracle Speaks Presents HOW TO DO EVERYTHING 41. How to deal with the clocks going back Regain some of the energy you lost after the nights began to draw in by consuming an entire wheelbarrow full of amphetamines every lunchtime. Trick your body into dealing with the time difference by putting your clocks forward [...]
New statistics have revealed that thousands of children as young as 10 are lightweights who struggle to binge drink more than 28 units of alcohol a week. The data, which was collected from more than 80,000 school children between 10 and 15 years old by the Schools Health Education Unit, suggests that as few as [...]
by Jack Costley Britain has finally been deemed completely fair after Prime Minister David Cameron changed the royal succession laws to allow sons or daughters equal right to the throne. Experts have welcomed the news abd insisted that the changes, approved by a small band of pointless countries known as ‘The Commonwealth’, will now make [...]
Eurozone leaders have agreed to hold a whip-round in their respective countries as a response to the growing economic crisis in Europe. Officials in Brussels said an accord had been reached between the leaders, who all decided to ensure that the whip-round takes place in their respective towns and cities from Monday. Although the announcement [...]
A completely unnecessary post-mortem examination has confirmed that Colonel Muammar Gaddafi died of a shot to the head, and not a mild case of the sniffles, said Libya’s chief forensic pathologist. Dr Othman al Zintani said doctors had completed the examination of the Libyan leader’s body, and had ascertained that although the fallen dictator had [...]
Prime Minister David Cameron has told pop dictator Simon Cowell that he is next on the hit list after Colonel Muammar Gaddafi was captured and killed yesterday. Speaking outside Downing Street shortly after the death was confirmed, David Cameron said he was ‘proud’ of the role Britain played in helping to liberate the country, but [...]
Carla Bruni, the wife of the French President Nicolas Sarkozy, has given birth to a baby girl who is already slightly taller than her father, insiders have revealed. The baby, more than a fortnight late, is to be named Dahlia, according to speculation on Twitter, and is the first child born to a serving President, [...]
A Tube driver who convinced himself that the doors on his southbound Victoria line service were being deliberately obstructed has landed himself in hot water after an uneasy four hour stand-off with passengers last night. Passengers were trapped on the train until nearly 10.15pm last night after Ken Jackson, 52, lost the plot mid-way his [...]