How to do Everything: How to get independence for Scotland
The Oracle Speaks Presents
HOW TO DO EVERYTHING
49. How to get independence for Scotland
- Make that the Scots really stand out as an independent nation by asking them to do a bunch of peculiar things like talking in a funny voice, or making all the men wear skirts. Oh, wait…
- Tell the rest of the UK that things have changed, and that it’s not them, it’s you. Even though it really is them.
- Paying Mel Gibson to grow his hair, paint his face blue and white, and run around, banging on about independence should persuade anyone who is sitting on the fence on the matter.
- Play the Proclaimers’ Greatest Hits (both of them) on loop in the House of Commons until the Prime Minister agrees to the whole independence thing.
- Promise that the mystery of what a Scotsman wears under his kilt will finally be solved if independence is granted.
- Tell David Cameron that the Scots will undermine his plans to reduce alcoholism in Britain by pouring Scotland’s entire supply of Bell’s whiskey into the water supply, unless he agrees to the independence motion.
- Persuade Scotland to be more like the Welsh. After all, nobody likes them, and before long, the government will be begging for independence.
- Volunteer to make negotiations with the government easier by arranging to have either an interpreter present or subtitles accompanying every Scottish utterance.
- Warn the UK that the long-term consequences of a united Britain could be dire, exemplified by a new generation of short, aggressive ginger children.
- Ask politely for independence. If that doesn’t work, give the government a nudge and say: ‘Oh go ooooon!’ in a whiny voice.
