Ranking things in numerical order too complicated, says Britain

By Oliver Humpage

Ranking things in numerical order is far too complicated, it has been revealed, after Britain determined their views on the matter in a referendum – despite increasing levels of disbelief from people with a so-called ‘education’.

Experts in stupidity have blamed Britain’s complete inability to understand fairly simple electoral concepts for the landslide win by the ‘no to AV’ campaign in Friday’s referendum.

“Millions of people are apparently unable to comprehend the idea that if their preferred candidate didn’t win, they might want some further say in the matter,” said dumbness commentator Peter Frampton.

“The problem seems to arise from a widespread inability to fathom any concept more advanced than nose-picking. To most people, anything more complicated than ‘ug, want him win’ is clearly an attempt to confuse their tiny little minds with something that might be called ‘mathematics’, if only they could remember how to spell it.

“There also seems to be some kind of mental block about spotting lies,” continued Frampton. “When the ‘no’ campaign said that AV would kill babies, support the BNP and turn us all into stinking foreigners, anyone with a couple of functioning synapses could see that it was clearly the Tories massively bullsh*tting to try to stay in power. But it seems that most people accepted this b*llocks at face value.

“Marketing departments are going to learn a lot of lessons from this. Expect adverts from Heinz about how opening tins of own-brand beans is really complicated, or from Pampers explaining that Huggies will actually force your baby to smear its excrement all over your walls.

“The trouble is, we’ve now proved that huge numbers of demi-apes with sh*t for brains will genuinely believe this stuff. Actually, that’s unfair on apes. And sh*t.”

Nick Clegg, who has now entered some kind of quantum realm of unpopularity hitherto unknown to science, expressed surprise at the result.

“I knew people were stupid: that’s why I thought I might still be popular despite being personally responsible for letting the Conservatives shaft the entire country up the arse. But seriously… most of the UK populace was convinced by the ‘Losing Boxer Wins’ poster?

“Jesus. F*cking. Christ.”